i wish i may, i wish i might, have my wish come true tonight:

for my children to know how very much i love and respect them
: to accept me as i am
: to lend a hand now and then...they do try in many ways, i know...they are embarrassed, and are too ashamed to come over.  it's just that i can't handle this old house by myself...just now and then would be nice, especially for holidays when they all come round, it's just too hard.  i try, and so does my lenny, but i end up getting hurt and try putting on a good face when they visit.  people who have arthritis and fibromyalgia know what i mean.  you fall apart before hand with anxiety, and afterwards you break down physically and crying your heart out in pain, loneliness, and depression.
: to see i am unable to do what they want...they have no idea how bad things really are, and believe me i hate talking about it to them just as much as they hate to hear it, so we don't.  but do they really think it just disappears if it is not acknowledged?
: to love me as i am, as i do you.  as Mom Mom always said, and i say now, "do unto others, as you would have others do unto you".
: to respect me as their mother...don't raise your voice at me anymore, please stop, you have no idea how much it hurts and only makes things worse.  please be nice, let's talk...i will listen.
: to love and respect their father, too...he has worked so hard all of his life to be here for us.  we are all he has ever wanted, and he misses all of you so very much.  call him, hug him, show him you care.

i love you,
mama

why today you may ask, am i thinking and saying these things?  i had a hearing today for ssi, i won't get it, but i tried...to help pay for my medical issues.  it was humiliating, embarrassing,  and so belittling.  so writing it here, i know no one hears me either, but i can pretend i am sharing it with someone.